When you live in the cycle of feeling broken and lonely, it may feel impossible to break. But I am here to tell you, YOU CAN DO IT!
When I hit rock bottom, I searched for how to be happy and what changes I could make in me. You see, my bottom was during divorce number two. I always tried to be a good person, I love my family, lived for my kids, and tried my best to be there for everyone. But for some reason, I couldn’t make a marriage work.
I could have looked outside of me, blaming who I had married, claiming it to be all their fault. Or I could turn that around and take total blame saying it was all my fault, but neither of those were correct. I had my hurts or scars, from relationships over the years, or as many label it, my baggage. And I carried that with me and was pretty comfortable with the weight. I continued to add on, and like a security blanket, I did not want to let that go. I was the victim, and I had the baggage to prove it.
As I sat on rock bottom, I could only look up. I wanted a new life, something happy, filled with love and peace, you know, the fairy tale you see in the Disney movies or that you dream of as a child. And as I have done my whole life when I was hurting, I turned to God.
As I prayed, I would ask why me, why is this happening? Do I not deserve? Am I not worthy? Why are you testing me over and over? I was the victim and I wanted God to explain why.
Although I cannot sit down at the breakfast table with God and have an audible conversation, I know he speaks to me through my feelings and through other people. During my time of struggle, I decided to read a book. Little did I know, that book would start me down the road to healing.
As I read, I realized I needed to drop the ‘victim’ mentality and own who I am. God does not make or let bad things happen to us to punish us or watch us struggle. We have free will, we choose how we want to live, and with our choices, there are consequences. The first thing I realized was, I was choosing to be where I was, I was holding myself back. [Keep reading, it will make sense]
On the outside, I was trying to be all I wanted to be by living a good life, being kind, taking care of and loving others, but on the inside, I was holding myself back, building my walls and doubting myself around every corner. It was like a light bulb lit up and I realized, I needed to change me and become the person I know I was meant to be.
GREAT! Now I know… now what in the heck do I do with this knowledge?
Isn’t it great when you realize something or have that great idea, but then you have to figure out how to accomplish it. That is where I was a few years ago. I hit rock bottom and knew I needed to change, but what exactly and how?
I would love to say from that moment on, everything was golden. If you have gone through a divorce, or a major breakup, you know there are many emotions that go along with the process. And each of us has a different story to tell, but for everyone, we all experience a range of emotions.
So, how did I start? One small right action at a time, I started with journaling for peace. It was a slow and steady process, but with every little step, I felt better about myself. Healing me has healed my life and put me on a totally new path.
You are on the right path just by taking the time to read this. Stay strong. You are here for a reason and you’ve got this.
Sending you peace, love and joy my friend. Sam