How to Trust Yourself Again After Being Gaslit
Hey Beautiful,
Let me ask you something. When was the last time you made a decision — even a small one — without running it past someone else first?
What to make for dinner. Whether to say yes to an invitation. Whether that comment from your coworker was really as rude as it felt.
If you can't remember, or if you find yourself texting three friends before you trust your own read on a situation, I want you to hear this first: you did not lose your judgment. It was worn down. And what was worn down can be rebuilt.
What gaslighting does to your mind over time
Gaslighting is when someone repeatedly causes you to doubt your own memory, perception, or feelings. It rarely starts big. It sounds like:
"That never happened."
"You're remembering it wrong."
"You're way too sensitive."
"Everyone agrees with me — you're the only one who sees it that way."
One comment like that, you can shrug off. But hear it week after week, year after year, from someone you love and trust, and something shifts. You start to think, Maybe they're right. Maybe I am the problem.
Slowly, you hand over the job of deciding what's real to someone else. Not because you're weak — but because, in that relationship, questioning their version of events cost too much. Agreeing kept the peace.
I know this place. For years I found myself building a case for my own feelings, explaining and re-explaining why something hurt, as if I needed evidence to be allowed to feel it. That kind of constant self-defense is exhausting. And it leaves a mark long after the relationship is over.
Signs your self-trust has taken a hit
You might be out of the relationship — or still in it — and notice some of these:
You over-explain. You can't simply say "No, that doesn't work for me." You add five reasons and an apology.
You poll everyone. Before acting, you need several people to confirm you're seeing things clearly.
You apologize for normal needs. Asking for rest, help, or a little quiet feels like asking too much.
You replay conversations. You go back over what was said, trying to figure out whether you "got it wrong."
You freeze on simple choices. Decisions that used to be easy now feel loaded, because being wrong once felt dangerous.
You distrust your own body. The knot in your stomach, the tension in your shoulders — you've learned to talk yourself out of what they're telling you.
If you see yourself in this list, please don't add it to the pile of things you're ashamed of. These are not character flaws. They are what survival looked like in a situation where your reality kept getting rewritten.
And the good news? Self-trust comes back the same way it was taken: one small moment at a time.
5 practices to start trusting yourself again
You don't rebuild self-trust with one big breakthrough. You rebuild it with small, repeated proof that your mind and your gut can be relied on. Here's where I'd start.
1. Keep a simple "what happened" journal
When something feels off, write down what happened as soon as you can — what was said, what you saw, how you felt. No editing, no explaining, no deciding who was right.
This isn't about building a case against anyone. It's about giving yourself something solid to come back to when your memory starts getting second-guessed — by someone else or by your own inner critic. Over time, you'll notice your notes were accurate far more often than you were told.
2. Listen to your body before your mind argues
Your body often knows before your mind is willing to admit it. A tight chest. A sinking feeling. Relief when a certain person leaves the room.
When you notice a physical reaction, pause and name it: "My stomach dropped when he said that." You don't have to act on it right away. Just stop talking yourself out of it. That signal is information, and you're allowed to take it seriously.
3. Make one small decision a day without polling anyone
Start tiny. Pick the restaurant. Choose the paint color. Decide how to spend your Saturday morning — and don't ask anyone else what they think.
Then notice what happens. Most of the time, it's fine. Sometimes it's better than fine. Each small decision is a rep, and self-trust is a muscle. It comes back with use.
4. Replace the inner critic's lines with truth
After gaslighting, the voice in your head often sounds a lot like the person who hurt you: "You're overreacting." "You always get it wrong."
Write down the two or three lines that play on repeat. Then ask, Whose voice is this, really? Next to each one, write what's actually true — "My feelings make sense given what happened." "I've made plenty of good decisions." You don't silence that voice through willpower. You quiet it by speaking truth louder.
5. Let safe people reflect your reality back to you
This one might sound like it contradicts practice #3, but there's a difference. Polling everyone comes from fear: I can't trust myself, so tell me what's real. Sharing with a safe person comes from connection: Here's what I experienced — does that make sense to you?
Choose one or two people who have shown, over time, that they listen without dismissing you. A trusted friend, a counselor, a coach, a pastor. Let them remind you of what you already know.
A word for your heart
If you've been told for years that you can't trust your own mind, it can feel impossible to believe you'll ever make a confident decision again. But you don't have to do this on your own strength.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." — James 1:5
Notice that last part: without finding fault. God isn't sitting back waiting for you to get it wrong. He's not rolling His eyes at your questions. He gives wisdom generously to anyone who asks — including you, today, exactly as you are.
So ask. Pray before the decision, then take the step. Trust that the One who made your mind can help you learn to trust it again.
You're not starting from zero
Here's what I want you to remember: the part of you that knew something was wrong never went away. It got quiet because it wasn't safe to speak up. Now you get to let her talk again.
It won't happen overnight. Some days you'll still second-guess yourself. That's okay. Every time you write it down, listen to your body, or make one small choice on your own, you're rebuilding something that was always yours.
If you're ready for a guided path, Part 1 of my Toxic Relationship Recovery course — Know & Love Who You Are — is built for exactly this. Eight lessons and eight worksheets to help you reconnect with who you are, so you can trust yourself again before you pour into anyone else.
And if you'd rather just talk, book a free HOPE call with me. No cost, no obligation — just a listening ear. 👉 Book your HOPE call
Sending love, Sam
If you're in a relationship where you don't feel safe, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. You are not alone.
Comments