It Doesn't Have to Leave a Bruise: Signs of Abuse Most Women Miss

I didn't know I had been in an abusive relationship until I volunteered at a women's domestic violence shelter.

I had recently gotten divorced, and I signed up because I wanted to help other women. Then, during the volunteer training, they went through a list of the different types of abuse. As I read it, I realized some of those things weren't just words on a page. I had lived them.

Like so many of us, I thought abuse meant a black eye or a broken arm. He never hit me, so I told myself it wasn't that bad. But in my life, I felt unseen, unheard, and unloved. At times, I would listen to words that should never be said to another person, and then receive the apology at 3 a.m.

Sitting in that training, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My marriage was not a healthy relationship. I just never had the words for it.

Abuse has many faces. Do you know the signs of abuse most women miss?

Here's what that training taught me. Abuse is about power and control, and it shows up in more ways than most of us realize. It can be emotional: constant criticism, put-downs, the silent treatment, or being told you're "too sensitive" until you start doubting your own memory. It can be financial, when he controls the money or makes you explain every dollar. It can even be spiritual, when Scripture gets twisted to keep you quiet, or you're shamed for wanting to go to church. And yes, it can be sexual, digital, or physical too.

The emotional kind is the hardest to see because it's slow. It wears you down a little at a time until one day you don't recognize the woman in the mirror.

You May Be in an Abusive Relationship If You Answer Yes to Any of These

1. Do you walk on eggshells to keep from setting him off?

2. Do you apologize for things you didn't do, just to keep the peace?

3. Does he twist your words until you doubt what really happened?

4. Has he pulled you away from friends, family, or church, or made it so hard to see them that you stopped trying?

5. Does he control the money or make you account for every dollar?

6. Do you hide parts of your relationship from the people who love you?

7. Do you feel like a smaller, quieter version of the woman you used to be?

If you said yes to any of the above, you are not crazy, and you are not too sensitive. What you're feeling is real, and God sees every bit of it. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

Naming it is the first step toward healing. Your next step is to talk to someone safe. If you'd like to talk it through with me, you can book a free HOPE call here.

If you are in danger, call 911. For confidential support 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If he monitors your phone or computer, use a device he can't access.

Abuse is designed to make you feel helpless and alone. But there is help available. Sometimes it just takes courage to make the first connection.